Five years after adopting my handsome boy, Hanzo, we have to say good-bye. I'm giving myself another week with him, so that I can have a full day off afterwards (and I can't do it tomorrow...it's just too soon, for both of us!).
I see a sparkling kitchen and bathroom in my future. My 6-pack abs may begin to show. Lots of mail art projects may transform. And, I could possibly finish my embroidery project. What I don't see is too much socializing or leaving the house. Unless to walk Moxie.
I have had lots of well-wishes and kind words. It is nice to know that people are so caring and understanding, but i hate this feeling of helplessness. I NEVER show my emotions, so to burst into tears every time someone looked at me yesterday was agony.
I will take this next week to enjoy my Hanzo and decide what is the best course to take...and then I will just have to keep myself busy: French, clarinet, mail art, crafts, working out, walking the dog...even cleaning the house! :)
In the meantime, I see a photo shoot with Hanzo & Moxie in the very near future...
Sorry...I hate downer posts, but this is my first time for this...and weddings and death always hit me the hardest. I still cry sometimes thinking about Hubby's Uncle who died 2 years ago...who I hardly knew, but it was the thought of my father-in-law losing his only brother at such a young age (for these days) to such an ugly disease (liver cancer) after his brother's wife survived brain cancer! Anyway, the point is, I'm emotional and I say/write random/depressing things when I'm emotional.
I wish that you didn't feel like you have to hide your emotions. It is so important to be able to let it all out. Keeping it all in will only make you sick or more depressed. By addressing sadness and mourning, you can feel the burden lift a little. Keep in mind that animals can sense a change in emotion. If you show your feelings to Hanzo, even if you're crying while you snuggle him, he'll reciprocate. It's just one of the many charms of our furry companions. He adores you, too, and I think that giving him the opportunity to help try to console you may make his last days seem meaningful to him. I know that you're not feeling social (since you've mentioned it), but I have to drive to Hyannis on Monday to make a car payment. If you'd like a little company, even if it's only for a few minutes, I will gladly come over. Jet let me know. Also, you can call, text and email me any time, night or day if you need to talk. Letting a member of the family go is never easy, but you are not alone in this. So, should you decide that you'd like it, the support is right here and a phone call away.
ReplyDeletePoor Hanzo :( I can't even imagine letting one of my little angels go- because I know they will live forever. Get those feelings out and it's more than ok to feel those feelers and let it it all out.
ReplyDeleteYes, as I said on last post, Renee and I went through this with putting poor Gilbert down, it was hard, but it was nice to have each other.
ReplyDeleteIf you want us to be with you when he goes down, let us know, we won't mind the crying, we'll most likely join in.
We also understand if you want to be alone and not see or talk to anyone.
Enjoy this last week with him and seriously buy a perennial, fruit bush or tree, or flowering plant to put in the ground in memoriam. It will help and seeing or enjoying the living thing will help with that which has passed.
Thank you, ladies...I'm working through it, though there's the lingering questions: too soon? not soon enough? how much pain is he in? the hardest part is that it's my decision to make...I have to decide when his time is up. I can't believe how much i love him after just 5 years...it's just sad, that's all.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I would do: (though first let me preface my and Renee's decision with Gilbert. He was in pain, would not eat, WAS dehydrated and would not drink and could no longer stand. For us, immediate, though it was a decision then and there in the cold vet's office, and we had to say our teary good buys in that room, We knew it was best for him.)
ReplyDeleteNow, if your little guy can eat and drink and walk about AND take pain medication for that, I say give him some time. If you want two weeks and he eats the meds and can still walk and drink/eat, then take two weeks.
I would have an entire day off, you and hubby together (ask for it off if need be) and spend a 'family' day with Moxie and all, pictures, fun times, snuggling on sofa with movie, all that. Then maybe even, while the little guy is still around, go get a plant now and bring it back. Let him sniff it rub on it and so on. This will help you make the connection betwixt the two. Then, when you are ready or you feel his quality of life is not there (dehydrated, pain no managle etc) you know it is the RIGHT time, do it and have someone with you when it is done! On the way home for us, I cried and drove while Renee cried and held our dearly departed on her lap wrapped in his favorite blanket.
Then, maybe have a day after this is done when you have some family over like us and we have drinks, look at photos of the ole' guy and toast his life. The more we share with those we have (yes even humans) the more we can relish and appreciate life while we all have it.
That is my two cents.
Yes...take some time with him while you can. We had an OES many years ago who passed away very suddenly and without warning while at the groomers (who he loved!) ...so we weren't even with him! So...take the time!!
ReplyDeleteWe all ask ourselves those questions, jen. No one really likes to "play god." Unfortunately, as his "mommy," the decision to help him suffer less and guess how long he will be okay is up to you. Keep in mind that cats will go off to be by themselves when they feel their time is coming to an end. While I realize that Hanzo has always been a bit of a loner, this might also help you to decide when he is ready to let go. As Donna said, if you need us to be with you when it happens, we will be there as soon as you need us. Please don't feel like you can't ask that of us because we love you and Hanzo and want to do all that we can to help.
ReplyDeleteThanks again, for all the kind words and suggestions. A plant is a great idea.
ReplyDelete@Dave: thanks again for the package...it'll provide a much needed distraction in the coming weeks! :)